The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: