I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.