The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Just so funny
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table