The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
You Might Also Like
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
you gotta be faster
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.