Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
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You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
when nothing goes right… go left
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting