Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
This is amazing.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??