Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Sorry. Not sorry
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
This story is comedy gold 😂