THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You Might Also Like
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.