“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure