The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
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“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.