@milehighocd: Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@aveuaskew: All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

@imchriskelly: At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, "Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car

@KeetPotato: me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda