Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
thank god
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
we all know this pain all too well
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
At least he brought enough for everyone
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*