The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
What?!?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.