The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.