The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
You Might Also Like
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Cause of death: Zumba
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.