the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats