The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
You Might Also Like
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Happens to everyone.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.