The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.