The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
an airline just for babies.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
How it started How it’s going
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.