The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“no gods no masters” = leo
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.