I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”