The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You Might Also Like
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.