The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
This is hilarious….
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.