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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.