My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy