[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews