The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?