@omgthatspunny: The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
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@NintenDom: Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
@amishschool: Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
@baeblacksheep: ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy.
@DadBeard: If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.