@omgthatspunny: The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
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@mylifesuckers: My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
@jtrulez: She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
@GrantTanaka: wife: can you check something on my phone for me me: sure what's your passcode w: our anniversary m: w: ANNIVERSARY m: [sweating profusely]