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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?