I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
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“Oh god wait.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.