[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.