@IamEnidColeslaw: The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.
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@dafloydsta: [getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
@NJPsychDoc: My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia
@XplodingUnicorn: I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.