The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.