@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
@AthenaMystique: *texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
@IronWang: Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders... Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
@themorris23: On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.