@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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@AmandasNotFunny: I've always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I'm scared of Walmarts :(
@AGreaterMonster: The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.
@Holy_Mowgli: I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him