@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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@Donna_McCoy: I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
@Home_Halfway: I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
@internetluke: [two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men's bathroom] Haha "What do we do?"
@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation