@colegamble: The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
@GringoBrulee: Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. W: god I hate you. M: yes, use your hate
@zacharyflynn: If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I'm okay with it as long as they're happy.
@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*