The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
This is I, Robot all over again
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
23. the denim jacket
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
At least my masseuse has my back.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.