ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Bike for sale
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.