The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Knock Knock
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious