@PajamaBen_: "The Sun is dying. We need help" the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades "It's daylight savings time"
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@koalaslament: [on a date] *showing her pics of my pet lizards* ME: "and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth" HER: "I must have sex with you immediately"
@AnkCoupleTO: Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol- Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
@turtledumplin: My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup .... Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund
@deardilettante: [ brings ouija board to your grave ] "Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?"