“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Wait a second…
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”