The Sun
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The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway