They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.