The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I鈥檓 just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.