Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore