And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*weighs self after shaving
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe