Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Does your wife know you’re single?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think