A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Jail
Love it! 👍😂
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Fiction has to make sense.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”