The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Optional boss fight.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
TRAIN’S HERE
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.