Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You Might Also Like
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
And now we wait
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Fâ˘râ˘iâ˘eâ˘nâ˘dâ˘s only its Dâ˘oâ˘gâ˘s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their âcustomer.â
Iâm like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
Iâll see myself out..
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: itâs my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: ITâS MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheeseđł and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means đ
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause Iâve been saving mice elf for marriage
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Friend: âWow, your guest bedroom is so nice.â
Me: âThatâs for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.â
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You know youâve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, âTake the thing off the thing,â and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Why do they have to make things childproof when Iâm still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didnât eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.