The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.