The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
You Might Also Like
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.