Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
You Might Also Like
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.