Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You Might Also Like
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.