Sing it!
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.