very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I need a headline like this
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.