Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Cinematography is my passion
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion