The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.